Dinosaur Dung To Be Fracked
November 28, 2011
Breaking news in the gas hydraulic fracturing world! Marcellus shale gas industry seismologists recently divulged to the major news bureaus that, indeed, the rumor was true. Once the hydro-fracturing of the Marcellus and Utica shale deposits is completed (estimated by the year 2050), the industry plans to continue to drill down even farther into the earth.
Seismological imaging has revealed huge deposits of dinosaur dung, about three miles below the surface, directly under the shale deposits of Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio and West Virginia. And the dung is just loaded with embedded, very natural, gas!
Already, a coalition of well-known Marcellus gas industry companies—C*********, R****, A******* and P** (CRAP)—is planning for the future retrieval of this new and apparently abundant energy source. Trapped among the Mesozoic Era rock deposits, the dung-gas can be released by a recently discovered improved hydraulic fracturing technique—an advancement called Super Hydraulic Intense Technology (with an acronym that goes without saying).
Responding to questions about the safety of such deep-earth drilling, a CRAP spokesperson replied, “I’d just like to go down on record as poo-poohing those who believe this will be even more dangerous than the shale drilling. The federal government’s Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is already preparing policies to assure the public safety; for example, if such drilling should happen to result in volcanic activity (more specifically, the release of lava from the bowels of the earth), EPA will quickly relocate residents, free of charge, to designated encampments in central Nevada, and designate the devastated areas as national parks, with lifelong free admittance to those who used to live in the affected areas.
“And the individual state agencies are also preparing, out of concern for their citizens; for example, Pennsylvania’s Department of Environmental Protection (DEP) has already put a rule on the books that no dinosaur-dung-drilling would be allowed within 20 feet of any residence or within 25 feet of any wells or waterways.
“Even agencies within the states to be affected are soon going to issue statements to the public; for example, Pennsylvania’s Susquehanna River Basin Commission (SRBC) is going to assure Pennsylvanians living along that watershed that the planned dumping of fracked dinosaur dung residue into the West and North Branches of the Susquehanna River and their tributaries will he harmless—in fact, will be beneficial—to the waters and adjacent lands. An SRBC spokesperson pointed out, ‘It’ll be free, power-packed fertilizer!’
“Residents in the four states to be affected are already rushing to lease out the drilling rights to their land. One unnamed northcentral Pennsylvanian has said, ‘I’m excited about this new gas industry initiative. Who’d have thought that those big, ugly dinosaurs that roamed this land millions of years ago, unthinkingly pooping all over our beautiful land, would be the means of our getting rich so many years later?’
“And residents interested in working for the CRAP coalition of gas companies when dinosaur-dung-drilling dawns, have already formed a union, called the Jobs-at-any-Cost Association, the JAAC ASS union. The intent of the union is to try to prevent workers from other states (especially Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana) from being hired by CRAP. ‘We’ve had enough of that s__t happening with the Marcellus shale gas industry,’
“In conclusion, the future of dinosaur dung drilling is golden brown. The deposits are filthy rich in gas. Especially rich are areas that we’ve determined to be loaded with Tyrannosaurus turds. We can’t wait to blast the crap out of them.”
Seismological imaging has revealed huge deposits of dinosaur dung, about three miles below the surface, directly under the shale deposits of Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio and West Virginia. And the dung is just loaded with embedded, very natural, gas!
Already, a coalition of well-known Marcellus gas industry companies—C*********, R****, A******* and P** (CRAP)—is planning for the future retrieval of this new and apparently abundant energy source. Trapped among the Mesozoic Era rock deposits, the dung-gas can be released by a recently discovered improved hydraulic fracturing technique—an advancement called Super Hydraulic Intense Technology (with an acronym that goes without saying).
Responding to questions about the safety of such deep-earth drilling, a CRAP spokesperson replied, “I’d just like to go down on record as poo-poohing those who believe this will be even more dangerous than the shale drilling. The federal government’s Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is already preparing policies to assure the public safety; for example, if such drilling should happen to result in volcanic activity (more specifically, the release of lava from the bowels of the earth), EPA will quickly relocate residents, free of charge, to designated encampments in central Nevada, and designate the devastated areas as national parks, with lifelong free admittance to those who used to live in the affected areas.
“And the individual state agencies are also preparing, out of concern for their citizens; for example, Pennsylvania’s Department of Environmental Protection (DEP) has already put a rule on the books that no dinosaur-dung-drilling would be allowed within 20 feet of any residence or within 25 feet of any wells or waterways.
“Even agencies within the states to be affected are soon going to issue statements to the public; for example, Pennsylvania’s Susquehanna River Basin Commission (SRBC) is going to assure Pennsylvanians living along that watershed that the planned dumping of fracked dinosaur dung residue into the West and North Branches of the Susquehanna River and their tributaries will he harmless—in fact, will be beneficial—to the waters and adjacent lands. An SRBC spokesperson pointed out, ‘It’ll be free, power-packed fertilizer!’
“Residents in the four states to be affected are already rushing to lease out the drilling rights to their land. One unnamed northcentral Pennsylvanian has said, ‘I’m excited about this new gas industry initiative. Who’d have thought that those big, ugly dinosaurs that roamed this land millions of years ago, unthinkingly pooping all over our beautiful land, would be the means of our getting rich so many years later?’
“And residents interested in working for the CRAP coalition of gas companies when dinosaur-dung-drilling dawns, have already formed a union, called the Jobs-at-any-Cost Association, the JAAC ASS union. The intent of the union is to try to prevent workers from other states (especially Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana) from being hired by CRAP. ‘We’ve had enough of that s__t happening with the Marcellus shale gas industry,’
“In conclusion, the future of dinosaur dung drilling is golden brown. The deposits are filthy rich in gas. Especially rich are areas that we’ve determined to be loaded with Tyrannosaurus turds. We can’t wait to blast the crap out of them.”
Comments
Opinion / Entertainment
I will agree it is entertainment and has humor and spoof to laugh at. However, the last dig against an American work force was unnecessary; Oklahoma and Pennsylvania should be sisters. Both of our heritage and ancestry leads back to the Native American people. The employee of choice should be American or would you sell out to China or Mexico - a little less hate for an American making their money and spending it in some part of this great nation.
Opinion / Entertainment
Obviously, David's piece is a bit of Opinion and a bit of Entertainment. Please take it as humor.
- Kathy Kolb, Publisher NorthcentralPa.com
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